You are expected to be at the top of your game—in every role, at all times, for everybody.
For most of us, we understand the roles we have accumulated and those assigned to us, either directly or indirectly: parent, spouse, police officer, professional, caretaker. There are also the assumed roles we participate in, either willingly or by default, that aren’t as clearly defined by boundaries or rules.
I say all this because I am curious about the accumulation of these roles throughout a given day and the transitions we must constantly make between them. If only they were so clearly defined, but we know they aren’t.
When I was a Police Sergeant, these contradictions occurred often. Formally, I was responsible for upholding the Department’s policies and holding police officers accountable. Yet, I was also concerned about the morale of a squad of Detectives, knowing that disciplinary action could inevitably affect that morale. Isn’t that a contradiction within the role and the mission I sought as a leader? One responsibility was assigned; the other was assumed. Together, they created an internal conflict and small stressors throughout the day.
Are you a parent trying to get out the door for work when your child suddenly needs help? A spouse who wants to listen attentively while mentally carrying an unfinished problem from work?
Roles, unfortunately, do not operate neatly, and the small stressors created by these competing demands and transitions can accumulate. Maybe the emails throughout the day weren’t overwhelming. Neither was the work deadline. The tense conversation was manageable. But by 6:30 p.m., an innocent question from your spouse gets a response with an edge to it.
Maybe the investigation isn’t only about that final interaction. Maybe the more interesting question is about the accumulation of everything that came before it.
How much of tonight is actually being shaped by what happened earlier today?
My curiosity remains with the shift in environment. I was able to hold it together all day. Composed. Decisive. Present. Even patient.
Then the environment changed.
The spillover seemed to occur when the environment felt safer. How did a response disproportionate to the actual situation affect my relationship? The person sitting across from you tonight may have had nothing to do with the pressure you experienced today. But that doesn’t necessarily mean they aren’t experiencing some of its effects.
We are pretty good at noticing pressure when and where it happens. We may not be as good at recognizing what we carry from one role into the next.
